Asher's Birthfather

He had only met Asher once.
They had mere hours to meet before it was time to say good-bye forever.
He gave Asher the life he could not provide himself.

I am speaking about Asher's birthfather, *Matt. We had a second visit with him this past December right before Christmas, and it was the second time in entire Asher's life that he met his birthfather. We maintain a private blog as part of our adoption agreement with Asher's birthfamily, and Matt sent us a message through the blog asking if it would be possible to schedule a visit with Asher. His message was brief, polite, and he even complimented a recent family portrait picture of us that I had posted. Despite this, my heart was instantly frozen with fear- "what did he 'really' want?", "was he just curious?", "we don't even know him at all", "what if he decides he wants to see Asher more than once a year?".

Asher's adoption is considered "semi-open", meaning that his birthfamily has limited information about us (I.e.: they don't know our last name, address, etc). As part of our adoption agreement with them we send letters & pictures 3 times a year (the private blog fulfills this) and there is the potential for a visit with Asher 2 times a year. This message from Matt was the first time he had reached out to us concerning a visit since Asher's birth.

I showed the message from Matt to my Hubby (Josh). He suggested that we agree to meet at a public location for the first meeting. We decided on a bookstore that Asher was familiar with to ensure he would feel comfortable and also have something to distract him if the visit became too awkward. When the date arrived, I was a bundle of raw emotion and nerves.

The 3 of us arrived way too early at the bookstore to wait for Matt to arrive and spent about a half hour (which felt like 4 hours) milling around trying to look inconspicuous (yeah right! I'm sure we were as conspicuous as the books on the shelves) as we peeked at each male that entered the store (If guys behind security camera had been watching, I'm sure they got a big laugh out of watching us). It had been an entire year since we'd last seen Matt, and I was wracking my brain trying to recall the exact details of his face. We only had a couple of blurry pictures of him & our jumbled memories from Asher's birth. My heart was pained as I remembered our last image of him before bringing Asher home from the hospital- Matt crouched over Asher's tiny body as he cradled him in his arms sitting next to Kayla (Asher's birthmom), tears in his eyes as he had only just met our tiny son for the first time and it was already time to say good-bye.

Matt was 15 minutes late and walked in with a pretty brunette lady behind him. "He brought a 'girlfriend'??!", I thought. He introduced her as Jamie, his sister (who was apparently visiting from New York City for Christmas) much to my embarrassment & relief for thinking badly of him. She brought along her little dog, and that immediately broke the ice because Asher loves dogs. We talked about what Asher had been up to lately, what he was learning. Matt's eyes gleamed with happiness to see Asher doing so well. He's a soft-spoken guy but he asked questions here & there and wanted to hear all about Asher's interests and adventures. Matt emailed us after our visit and told us that seeing him was the best Christmas gift he could have received. His words made me weep and meant the world to us. To know that Matt is content with the decision that he and Kayla made to place Asher with us is something that we treasure. It was truly a blessing to see the joy that it brought him to visit with Asher.

We maintain contact with Asher's birthfamily so that when Asher is old enough to understand his adoption he will hopefully already be familiar with his entire extended family. We pray that these visits will give him a sense of belonging and love at a very early age. I admit, I am torn at times with wanting to shelter him and selfishly keep him "all to myself" but also desiring for him to be confident in his roots and where he came from. When we first brought Asher home from the hospital and we were no longer seeing his birthmother Kayla on a regular basis (we spent 5 days in the hospital with her and her parents), I struggled a great deal with how much Asher looked like his birth parents physically (not that I expected him to look like us, but you know what I'm implying I think), and Josh used to always say "He looks like himself." Over time it bothered me less and less that Asher "looks like himself", and now I'm able to celebrate his physical features because I know someday when he asks, I can tell him, "My Sunny, you smile like Matt and you're beautiful like Kayla."

Photo by Mama (me) with my iPhone 4s

*Names have been changed in this post to protect privacy.

My Family's Secret Recipe for Caramel Corn

So, once it's on the internet it's no longer considered a "secret," I suppose, but I wanted to share with you all a recipe that is near & dear to my heart: My Grandpy's Caramel Corn. 

I use this recipe every year as part of our family tradition for some of our Christmas baking of treats. I don't claim it to be an easy recipe to make, it's time consuming & messy--which is probably why I only make it about once a year--but it's WORTH the efforts. Recently I made a batch as a thank-you for a babysitter of ours. The recipe was passed down to me from my mom's dad "Grandpy", who was a candy-maker extraordinaire. He shared his love of candies with his fellow troops & with children in Austria while he served as a 2nd Lieutenant with the U.S. Army during WW2 (pictured below). It brings me joy to share his love for sweet things and brings back happy childhood memories as I remember Grandpy always having a tray of his special homemade candies ready for us when we arrived to visit him in Ohio. In the years following his death my mom kept the traditions alive using his recipes. I truly hope you enjoy it!

Grandpy

You will need:

Ingredients

• 4-6 quarts of popped corn (The amount depends on how thick you're gonna want your caramel to coat; I make 4 and use the old fashioned stovetop method using olive or vegetable oil). 
• 1/2 cup butter (unsalted)
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup corn syrup
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 shallow baking pans (I use 2-  ungreased 9x13 glass casserole dishes)
• waxed paper
• 2 hours time

Pop corn.

Directions: 

Preheat oven to 250 degrees.

Pop corn & put into ungreased baking pans so that it's nearly a single layer in the pans. (I add a step here in insure no one breaks a tooth eating the delicious finished product & scan through the poppped corn in the pans pulling out any unpopped kernels, burnt and/or loose hulls.)

In a medium saucepan (I prefer a copper-bottomed one), combine the butter, brown sugar, corn syrup, and salt. 

Over medium-low heat (this will vary depending on your stovetop--mine is gas so I monitor the flame closely to avoid scorching), stirring frequently using a WOODEN spoon, bring ingredients to a boil. 

Combine 1st 4 ingredients, Bring to boil.

After you reach stage pictured above, don't stir for 5 minutes (be sure heat is turned down nice & low at this point). Don't get nervous! The mixture is going to begin entering the candy stage and get extra bubbly; it will also begin to change color to a darker caramel tan.

Remove from heat.

Stir in the baking soda & vanilla (get ready for a "nuclear" reaction! when the baking soda & vanilla hit the mixture it gets exciting!!).

Reaction

Return to low heat, continuing to frequently stir. The mixture will lighten in color (because of the addition of baking soda) and appear foamy/airy in texture. 

Foam

Continue to stir over low heat for about 5 more minutes. The mixture will darken slightly in color and continue to foam and rise up in the saucepan as it reaches higher temps. Remove from heat & turn off the stove top burner after the mixture has risen close to the top of the saucepan. 

Slowly (& carefully--it's HOT) pour the mixture over the prepared popcorn in pans.

Spread

Using a large spatula or spoon, stir popcorn gently to coat the majority of the popcorn with the prepared caramel (don't worry, you won't be able to cover it all completely at this point). Place pans in the preheated oven. Set a timer for 15 min & clean out your saucepan while you wait (if you don't, the caramel will harden as it cools in the pan and become much harder to clean later). 

Coat

15 minutes later, carefully remove pans from the oven and place on a heat resistant surface (I put hotpads on the counter and use that area because I spill popcorn when I stir). Stir popcorn with spatula or spoon (You'll notice that the caramel will cover more of the popcorn this time and be darker tan in color. Keep an eye out for any stray kernel & remove if necessary). Return to oven for another 15 minutes. 

First 15 min. stage

Repeat above instructions. Use the 15 minutes while it's baking however you like ;-)

Second 15 min. stage

Repeat above stage for a third time. Use the time to prepare your counter-top  table, or other desired space for cooling the popcorn onto waxed paper.

Third 15 min. stage

After this 3rd, 15 min., interval remove from oven, TASTE! (use caution, popcorn will be HOT). If it's "toasty" enough to your liking scoop out from pans onto the prepared waxed paper surface. If it's a little soggy & not quite toasty enough, return to oven for 5-10 more minutes. Turn oven off.

Soak pans immediately in warm soapy water (to avoid before-mentioned hard-to-clean caramelized pans). 

Finished stage & Cooling

Break caramel corn apart as it cools on waxed paper and spread it out to completely cool it. You may add nuts or other candies at this point if you'd like to make it more "crunch & munchy." We like ours just like it is, plain and savory :-) (I admit though, I like a piece of dark chocolate occasionally after a bowl of caramel corn).   

Finished Product

Tie it up with a bow, pour it into an airtight container, or eat it all at once from a bowl- however you eat it, ENJOY! :-) 

P.S.

The inexperienced-caramel-corn-maker Hubby tested the recipe & instructions today and was successful, but please feel free to ask questions or leave a comment if you have questions, etc. 

A Full Heart

* Photo credit to Nancy Noble Barnes 

So...I won't even begin to make excuses for how long it's been since I've written, but if I were to begin it would involve Holidays, Illnesses, Travel, all the normal Christmastime hurdles it seems for this past year. My heart & mind are full of potential topics to post about, and I'll begin with what was in my soul today and work my way backwards til we're caught up. Today, I was overwhelmed with a sense of how grateful I have been most recently for Asher's birthgrandma. Below is a letter I emailed to her as it poured out from my heart (names have been changed to protect privacy). 

Dear Jane,
I'm just sitting down to my cup of morning tea & breakfast while Asher naps, and I was overcome with how grateful I am for you in particular today. I had been emailing a few pictures earlier this morning to Rebekah at the adoption agency (she had asked recently how Asher was going & if we wanted to share any pictures). As I sent the one to her of all of us on the carousel from our recent visit with you, I felt so deeply how much I am thankful for you. We are grateful to God for everyone that was placed into our life as a result of Asher's adoption journey (including all of your family); but there are times when I'm overwhelmed with emotion to think of your love for Asher and for us.

I hope you know without a doubt what a phenomenal grandma, mother, and woman you are. I realized when we came home from the museum after our visit how in tune you are as a grandma to what your grandchildren need in particular. I know that must have been painful and difficult to cut our visit a little short for Asher's sake of needing to rest. That care for him did not go unnoticed. Josh & I were and still are deeply touched by the love you show in so many ways, the cookies so carefully made & packaged, the gifts so thoughtfully selected for Asher, the tender way you gave Silas (*Asher's biological half-brother) and Asher space & time to bond though your own body & heart must have been aching just to scoop Asher up in your arms and squeeze him.

I treasure the words we exchanged when we talked as Asher played. I wish too for Kayla (*Asher's birthmother, Jane's daughter) to be able to share in the joy we have with Asher, I know that's one of your heart's cries. I pray that God will heal her completely and I have hope that one day perhaps she can come. I'm also so glad that you were receptive to hearing about Matt (*Matt is Asher's birthfather) and his visit with Asher too. It was a blessing to us to be able to give him a visit with Asher and witness the joy that it brought to Matt to see him.

The Lord has been showing me comfort in His Word lately, especially from the book of Isaiah:
"He will tend His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."
You, Jane, are part of how God leads me gently, you bless us in so many ways without ever knowing. I don't if I am expressing myself very well, but suffice it to say, than I thank God for you. Thank you for being you.
Much love,
Hannah

One of the next posts I'd like to share will focus on the visit with Matt that I mentioned to Jane in the letter above. I'm still working through my thoughts from that. I hope you all are enjoying a happy & healthy New Year. What in particular are you grateful for today?

a little belated Christmas picture taken with my iPhone 4s