Happy Snow Day!

We are enjoying a full-on Snow Day (meaning: it's STILL snowing) here in Upstate NY, hope you are safe & warm wherever home lies for you. I'm so exited to share with you in my next post about Asher's adoptive grandparents & some of the ways we/they helped raise funds for his adoption. But for now, enjoy the weather wherever you are!

Life Through Pictures

Another week captured in the capsules of pictures:

I have to add, just how thankful I have been lately, for the community of people & friends I am surrounded by. I hope that you enjoy such a community wherever you are. 

Toddler vs. Food

So, lately (for about the past couple of months) the Sunnyboy (aka: Asher) has decided that he no longer has a need for his highchair. Fast-forward through battles, tantrums, etc. 

Sunny has kinda been a "grazer" for most of his self-feeding days in general (from about 9 months on), so it wasn't really surprising to The Hubby (aka: Josh) and me that he didn't want to be constricted & restrained once he had the magical ability to walk & eat. 

I usually serve his snacks on a little table like the one pictured above (from Ikea), so it wasn't a far leap to begin experimenting with serving lunch, etc. in that same area. I started with foods that he wouldn't normally use utensils for: The grandparents recently had mailed a care package complete with Barilla Cut Spaghetti. At first, I thought, "What a gimic! I can cut my own son's pasta!". Well, lemme tell ya, moms of toddlers & others who I know can understand, sometimes you have mere moments to tame the hungry afternoon bear boy and this pasta was a lifesaver! (Not to mention, he loved it being the perfect size for his little fingers).

I did strip him down to his diaper (turned the heat up a bit in the room), and placed the table on our wooden floor making it easier for clean-up or the doggie-vacuum (aka: "CJ", yellow Lab/Golden Retriever 5 year-old).

Sunnyboy has since graduated to enjoying all of his meals in this location, and our battles over eating seem to have ceased for the time being. He's quite proud of his new-found freedom! (and Mama is busy cleaning up...)

I'm by no means a proponent of letting toddler whims rule the house, but this to me was different. It was a Mama&Sun working together to find a solution that works for all of us, and that, I applaud ;-)

Asher's Birthfather

He had only met Asher once.
They had mere hours to meet before it was time to say good-bye forever.
He gave Asher the life he could not provide himself.

I am speaking about Asher's birthfather, *Matt. We had a second visit with him this past December right before Christmas, and it was the second time in entire Asher's life that he met his birthfather. We maintain a private blog as part of our adoption agreement with Asher's birthfamily, and Matt sent us a message through the blog asking if it would be possible to schedule a visit with Asher. His message was brief, polite, and he even complimented a recent family portrait picture of us that I had posted. Despite this, my heart was instantly frozen with fear- "what did he 'really' want?", "was he just curious?", "we don't even know him at all", "what if he decides he wants to see Asher more than once a year?".

Asher's adoption is considered "semi-open", meaning that his birthfamily has limited information about us (I.e.: they don't know our last name, address, etc). As part of our adoption agreement with them we send letters & pictures 3 times a year (the private blog fulfills this) and there is the potential for a visit with Asher 2 times a year. This message from Matt was the first time he had reached out to us concerning a visit since Asher's birth.

I showed the message from Matt to my Hubby (Josh). He suggested that we agree to meet at a public location for the first meeting. We decided on a bookstore that Asher was familiar with to ensure he would feel comfortable and also have something to distract him if the visit became too awkward. When the date arrived, I was a bundle of raw emotion and nerves.

The 3 of us arrived way too early at the bookstore to wait for Matt to arrive and spent about a half hour (which felt like 4 hours) milling around trying to look inconspicuous (yeah right! I'm sure we were as conspicuous as the books on the shelves) as we peeked at each male that entered the store (If guys behind security camera had been watching, I'm sure they got a big laugh out of watching us). It had been an entire year since we'd last seen Matt, and I was wracking my brain trying to recall the exact details of his face. We only had a couple of blurry pictures of him & our jumbled memories from Asher's birth. My heart was pained as I remembered our last image of him before bringing Asher home from the hospital- Matt crouched over Asher's tiny body as he cradled him in his arms sitting next to Kayla (Asher's birthmom), tears in his eyes as he had only just met our tiny son for the first time and it was already time to say good-bye.

Matt was 15 minutes late and walked in with a pretty brunette lady behind him. "He brought a 'girlfriend'??!", I thought. He introduced her as Jamie, his sister (who was apparently visiting from New York City for Christmas) much to my embarrassment & relief for thinking badly of him. She brought along her little dog, and that immediately broke the ice because Asher loves dogs. We talked about what Asher had been up to lately, what he was learning. Matt's eyes gleamed with happiness to see Asher doing so well. He's a soft-spoken guy but he asked questions here & there and wanted to hear all about Asher's interests and adventures. Matt emailed us after our visit and told us that seeing him was the best Christmas gift he could have received. His words made me weep and meant the world to us. To know that Matt is content with the decision that he and Kayla made to place Asher with us is something that we treasure. It was truly a blessing to see the joy that it brought him to visit with Asher.

We maintain contact with Asher's birthfamily so that when Asher is old enough to understand his adoption he will hopefully already be familiar with his entire extended family. We pray that these visits will give him a sense of belonging and love at a very early age. I admit, I am torn at times with wanting to shelter him and selfishly keep him "all to myself" but also desiring for him to be confident in his roots and where he came from. When we first brought Asher home from the hospital and we were no longer seeing his birthmother Kayla on a regular basis (we spent 5 days in the hospital with her and her parents), I struggled a great deal with how much Asher looked like his birth parents physically (not that I expected him to look like us, but you know what I'm implying I think), and Josh used to always say "He looks like himself." Over time it bothered me less and less that Asher "looks like himself", and now I'm able to celebrate his physical features because I know someday when he asks, I can tell him, "My Sunny, you smile like Matt and you're beautiful like Kayla."

Photo by Mama (me) with my iPhone 4s

*Names have been changed in this post to protect privacy.

A Full Heart

* Photo credit to Nancy Noble Barnes 

So...I won't even begin to make excuses for how long it's been since I've written, but if I were to begin it would involve Holidays, Illnesses, Travel, all the normal Christmastime hurdles it seems for this past year. My heart & mind are full of potential topics to post about, and I'll begin with what was in my soul today and work my way backwards til we're caught up. Today, I was overwhelmed with a sense of how grateful I have been most recently for Asher's birthgrandma. Below is a letter I emailed to her as it poured out from my heart (names have been changed to protect privacy). 

Dear Jane,
I'm just sitting down to my cup of morning tea & breakfast while Asher naps, and I was overcome with how grateful I am for you in particular today. I had been emailing a few pictures earlier this morning to Rebekah at the adoption agency (she had asked recently how Asher was going & if we wanted to share any pictures). As I sent the one to her of all of us on the carousel from our recent visit with you, I felt so deeply how much I am thankful for you. We are grateful to God for everyone that was placed into our life as a result of Asher's adoption journey (including all of your family); but there are times when I'm overwhelmed with emotion to think of your love for Asher and for us.

I hope you know without a doubt what a phenomenal grandma, mother, and woman you are. I realized when we came home from the museum after our visit how in tune you are as a grandma to what your grandchildren need in particular. I know that must have been painful and difficult to cut our visit a little short for Asher's sake of needing to rest. That care for him did not go unnoticed. Josh & I were and still are deeply touched by the love you show in so many ways, the cookies so carefully made & packaged, the gifts so thoughtfully selected for Asher, the tender way you gave Silas (*Asher's biological half-brother) and Asher space & time to bond though your own body & heart must have been aching just to scoop Asher up in your arms and squeeze him.

I treasure the words we exchanged when we talked as Asher played. I wish too for Kayla (*Asher's birthmother, Jane's daughter) to be able to share in the joy we have with Asher, I know that's one of your heart's cries. I pray that God will heal her completely and I have hope that one day perhaps she can come. I'm also so glad that you were receptive to hearing about Matt (*Matt is Asher's birthfather) and his visit with Asher too. It was a blessing to us to be able to give him a visit with Asher and witness the joy that it brought to Matt to see him.

The Lord has been showing me comfort in His Word lately, especially from the book of Isaiah:
"He will tend His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."
You, Jane, are part of how God leads me gently, you bless us in so many ways without ever knowing. I don't if I am expressing myself very well, but suffice it to say, than I thank God for you. Thank you for being you.
Much love,
Hannah

One of the next posts I'd like to share will focus on the visit with Matt that I mentioned to Jane in the letter above. I'm still working through my thoughts from that. I hope you all are enjoying a happy & healthy New Year. What in particular are you grateful for today?

a little belated Christmas picture taken with my iPhone 4s

The End of an Era

11/13/12 marks the end of an era for me. Beginning 11/14/12 I will be a Full-time Stay-at-Home Mommy. This is a profession I have dreamt of having since I was a little girl. It's a profession that is a privilege, not owed but earned to parents who are blessed to have it. Parenthood is a blessing from Above whether your dream is to stay at home with your child or work in other ways simultaneously as well as parent.

I began my "career" (I use that word very loosely) as a barista at Starbucks
nearly 6 years ago. It was intended to be a temporary part-time job for me as I built my private cello lessons studio after being in the medical field as a secretary for 5 years. My job at at Starbucks became the longest length of job I've ever had (how ironic, right?!).

As with any profession, there are lessons to be learned & observations along the way. Here are 4 of mine:

1. Service Industry employees are some the hardest working people I've ever met: My feet & back have never been so sore from standing/walking so much each shift, my mind so mentally taxed, my self-worth so tested.
Lesson: Tip well if eating or ordering out, be kind to all waiters/teachers/nurses/service industry workers. Just be nice to everybody ;-)

2. The true nature of humanity will sometimes be shocking: I've seen people at their absolute best & worst (similar to a bartender I would imagine). I've witnessed heartache, divorce, marriage, celebration, anger, the whole gamut.
Lesson: Be polite to your fellow human beings, you never know what kind of day they're having, and little kindness goes a long way.

3. Co-workers who become like family are hard to come by: I made life-long friends at Starbucks, people who changed & shaped my character. Lesson: Be grateful when you encounter such people in your life.

4. Going back to work after having a baby is one of the most difficult things for a parent to do.: I cried for several weeks solid each time as I drove into work (Asher was 6 weeks old).
Lesson: Future hopeful parents, save up as much time-off & funds as possible so you can stay home as long as allowed by your employer & state with your newborn. As I mentioned before, being a stay-at-home parent is a privilege that is earned not owed.

As I bid farewell to the "Siren" (Starbucks) last evening, I was overwhelmed with a thankful heart: for the 5 & 1/2 years I had a dependable job (coffee is a drug, hence daily addicts provide job security), steady hours/paychecks, free lbs of coffee & tea, countless gratis beverages, a 30% discount at ANY Starbucks globally, $4,000 cash for Asher's adoption, and much more. Why did I leave?, you may ask. Well, to me, all of that pales on comparison with being a full-time mama to my Sunnyboy. I cry when I remember how long I wanted to become a mommy, and I cry because I have a faithful hubby who has given me the ability to have a dream come true. Being a mama is the most exhausting, rewarding, valuable job I've ever had & I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Hanging up the green apron & signing off, farewell coffee slaves ;-)

Openness

Photo courtesy of Katelyn Schwenker Photography

It looks like I fell off the radar a bit, sorry for the gap in posting! My family and I have had a couple of mini vacations back-to-back because I am phasing out from my current job at Starbucks. I've been working there part time for nearly 6 years as we waited & tried to have children. We were blessed with Asher last year, and my time has finally arrived to be home full time! I am so grateful for a hubby who works so hard & has a job that enables me to do this; it's been a life-long dream of mine to be a full-time mommy!

I recently have had some contact with Asher's birth grandmother "J", and I was struck with how very thankful I am that our relationship has evolved to such a point during the adoption process that we can talk (via email) frequently & fairly openly. I wanted to share about the nature of that contact and how it came about.

When we were in the midst of the adoption process through Bethany Christian Services, we received a call one day that there was a birthmom interested in meeting us. In actuality, it was J who chose our profile with 1 other for her daughter, Asher's birthmother "K." We met with both J & K in the agency's office with K's social worker from the agency. I remember how emotional J seemed in that meeting- it was extremely awkward for all of us (THE most awkward meeting I've ever been in), but for J so painful. She sat with her hands clenched in her lap trying not to cry as we talk with K, trying to get to know her and for K to get to know us. J asked us a couple of questions towards the end of the meeting (it was only about an hour total) regarding what we would do if the child (Asher) had special needs. We answered from our hearts with a trust in One higher than ourselves that we could & would accept any child placed into our care and love them no matter what.

We left that meeting not knowing with J & K would decide about choosing us, but we left with a calm peace in knowing that it was no longer in our hands. The adoption agency called the very next day to tell us that K had decided she wanted us to be her son's parents. I will never forgot that phone call or the phone call I made to the hubby telling him the news.

The next time we saw J & K was in another abbreviated meeting at the agency. This meeting was also with K's social worker from the agency. The purpose was for K to be able to make her hospital plan with us. K decided that she wanted us there as soon as she went into labor and also for the delivery of our son as well. She asked Josh (my hubby) if he'd like to be the one to cut Asher's umbilical cord. The agency social worker told us that the next time we heard from them would be at the time of K's hospital admission to give birth. About a month went by until we received that phone call. I was in the middle of cutting Josh's hair- needless to say, he got the worst haircut of his life as I hurried to finish so we could jump in the car!

We spent 3 days in the hospital with J & K waiting for Asher to make his appearance. K was a real trooper, managing through her pain and discomfort while laboring to give birth. On Wednesday, August 17th 2011 at 10:36 pm Asher Byron entered this world via C-section. We were ushered into the nursery by J (his birthgrandmother) within moments of his birth. She stepped aside after seeing her grandson for only moments to let us, his parents, meet him for the first time. J took pictures of those first moments (I was vaguely aware she was doing this, but didn't fully realize it til later when she sent the pictures to us). K was still recovering from her surgery of giving birth, and J quietly exited the room to give us privacy with Asher as the nurse continued to conduct newborn tests, etc. I still weep as I recall holding my tiny son's hand for the first time; he gripped onto me with a mighty strong little grasp and my heart was forever sealed with his. 

K wanted us to have Asher from the first moments of his birth. She wanted us to be able to do the first feedings and everything with him. J & K had a room down the hall from ours in the hospital and we took Asher over to meet K when J came and told us she was ready. It was a surreal moment to join our 2 families together in those special minutes. Throughout the next couple of days before we could be discharged to go home with Asher, J and I began to deepen our relationship. She told me more about K and their family, about Asher's conception, his half-siblings. I witnessed J caring for her daughter, Asher's birthmother, in some of the most sacrificial ways I've ever seen. Her love for K and for Asher and us was truly a miracle and gift to behold. 

 On Friday, when we were released to take Asher home (by the hospital and the adoption agency), I had a few private moments to speak with J and to give her a letter I had written to her and to B, Asher's birthgrandfather. Mere words could never say "thank you" enough to J, K, and B. We agreed to keep in touch via a private blog where Josh and I would update regularly with pictures and stories about Asher. From the blog, J and I began to email each other directly and she sends updates as well about Asher's birth family. I have a file of pictures of birthday parties, holidays, and other special occasions that J has sent to us. I save every email from her, every gift, every card. We don't have direct contact except when we meet twice a year at a mutually agreed upon neutral place such as a restaurant or park. This is simply for Asher's safety and our privacy.  J, B, and 1 of Asher's half siblings were at his first birthday and baby dedication at our church. J and I write via email frequently throughout the months and we are looking forward to a visit with her, his birthgrandfather, and 1 of his half siblings at Christmastime. I am thankful for this dear woman and her precious family- most of all for the grandson she allowed to become our son. 

Photo Courtesy of Katelyn Schwenker Photography

Happy Hallowed Eve!

So, I didn't grow up getting to always participate in Halloween or Trick-or-Treating due to my parents (safety, religious views, etc), but now that I've got a kiddo of my own, I'm having some fun with it ;-) Hope you have a blast too, however you may celebrate Fall :-)

He has 2 costumes for this evening; we're headed down to Catskill so he can go door to door with his buddies. Here's a pic of Costume A:

Busy Life

Wow. Busy or what lately?! I'm not complaining, it's just the way life is sometimes ;-) have you felt that way lately? Our house has been a flurry of activity lately (partially due to the newfound energy of a certain 13-mo.-old named "Sunny"). The hubby has been camping & this week heads off another outdoor adventure, this time in the Adirondacks, Mama (me) has been excitedly prepping her new business dream (purse making! Among other crafty things), and Sunny- well, like I said before- is exploring all he can each day including his own boundaries & limitations.

2 posts out on the blogosphere have really touched me lately, so I also wanted to share them with you. One is from a fellow-"Troyalty"-resident, thought I haven't had the pleasure of personally meeting her, I enjoy her posts about our lovely City of Troy: American Troyalty. The other is a post from today from my good friend Ben Hoak from back home in KY (I'm a Bluegrass girl by birth). He's a foster parent & I love how he shares from his heart: Merchants of Hope. I hope you'll take the time to check them out. It's worth the time.

I have a draft saved entitled "The Waiting" which was intended to be all about the laborious, intensely painful time & process of waiting for our son to enter our life; but now that I actually have a moment to pause & finish hammering that post out, I'm struck with the realization that the closed door of pain & suffering we entered into and endured is not something I want to re-open & rehash. It's not because I don't wish to share the wonderful story of Asher's adoption journey with you, but rather, I don't think revisiting the pain is healthy. I know without a doubt that there are those of you who are currently in that room of pain, and I don't take that lightly. Suffice it for now for me to say: I've been there. It sucks. I truly feel your pain with you in a very tangible way. My heart wells up right now even as I write this & feels tight in my chest because I know how unbearable "The Waiting" is. Don't lose heart. Hang on & hang in there. I'm more than willing to open my pain up for you, just not here on this blog. I sincerely want you to email me if that's something you need, and I'll readily write back (cello.hannah@gmail.com). Otherwise, I'm just completely grateful for each day I spend with this Sunny son & I'm soaking the moments up not looking backwards but forward at what's yet to come.

That being said, what have we been so busy doing? (If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you many have seen some of these already) You know the saying about a picture's worth, so here goes:

The Nest : Some of MamaOwl's Inspirations

Happy Friday Everyone! My family & I are headed in separate directions for the weekend, the Hubby & the pup (we have a 5 year-old Yellow Lab/Retriever mix) is heading off on a manly camping trip while Sunnyboy and I spend the night with some friends we haven't seen in a while. It promises to be a fun weekend for all of us. Can't wait! Hope you're able to get out & enjoy these first few days of Fall too!

I thought I'd use this Friday post that I'm calling "The Nest" to give you some of my inspirations for starting this blog. There are so many ladies in particular that I've followed for the past year or more and learned from as I began the seeds of blogging. Check out their pages, and you won't be able to keep yourself from being inspired as well I bet ;-) (Just click on the name in purple & it'll take you right to their page).

Jen is a friend that I've been following for over 2 years now, & I absolutely love how she combines her love of fashion with her love for her family. She inspires me as a fellow-mama and brings me out of my comfort zone of jeans & a t-shirt in my daily fashions.

Jessica is an acquaintance who was introduced to me through mutual friends when the Hubby & I began pursuing adoption. She and her family have an open adoption with both of their 2 kiddos and I am always touched by the pictures and stories she posts.

Rach is a long-time close family friend and she recently started a blog called Just 3 Things. I love that she's able to pick just "3 Things" each week to share with her readers, and this past month she even covered the incredibly touching topic of losing her dad. Give the post a read, it will touch your heart.

Orchid Grey, whose name is actually Julie, is the second fashion blog that I follow. I "met" her through Jen and I love her style. I always say, if I had the funds, I'd dress just like Orchid Grey ;-)

Maren is another old-time friend who I've know since Middle School and her blog focuses on her personal life/family life. She recently had a baby girl and her sense of humor always brings a smile to my face :-) smile!

Nancy is one of my absolute FAVORITE photographers in the world. Seriously, she's that good. I hope in some teeny tiny way that if I follow along, I will someday be 1 millionth as good at taking pics. We'll see haha.

What are you up to this weekend? I'd love to hear about your plans. I'll leave you with a video of my Sunnyboy who is quickly becoming a drummerboy. Enjoy! Happy Weekend!

Adventures of Sunnyboy: His Adoption Story

I had the very special opportunity to share Asher's adoption story with our friend "B" on Thursday.  It was such a huge honor to be able to share our adoption journey with her. She had several questions as she and her family consider adoption as way to grow their family. It was the first time since Asher's adoption that I've really had the time to sit and contemplate all that's happened in our family over the past year and with his adoption. I'd like to keep my blog entries brief, but this will probably be a longer one due to the nature of the topic ;-)

 B and her family had already reached a decision regarding the type of adoption they'd like to have (Domestic US Adoption vs. International Adoption). I'd love to write a post on that piece in more detail sometime soon, as that can often be one of the most confusing questions to answer at the outset of a family's adoption journey. "Domestic" simply means an adoption of a child from here in the U.S. as opposed to an adoption overseas.

We began the adoption process to bring Asher into our family in April 2010 after choosing Bethany Christian Services www.bethany.org. By the following June we had been selected by a total of 3 separate possible birthmothers. The first 2 were young single girls, one here in local Upstate NY and the other from NJ. I remember feeling heartbroken when neither of those 2 girls chose us to be their baby's adoptive parents. It was a very difficult place to be, wanting to be happy for the families who they chose but feeling sorry for us not being chosen. I knew in my heart there was a baby for us, we just didn't know who he was yet. 

On June 1, 2011 I received a call while I was at work from our agency social worker, Renee, that there was a birthfamily interested in our profile that they had seen at the agency. It certainly took a scarey but hopeful leap of faith when we met with that birthmother on June 14, 2011 and The Hubby and I left the meeting feeling unexpectedly at peace. Asher's birthmother "K" decided that she would chose us to be her baby son's parents, and we received the call from Renee at the agency with the happy news the following Monday. We were elated, to say the least! Our years of pain and prayers had been answered!

 On Wednesday, August 17, 2011 Asher Byron Maxson was brought into this world by his brave, strong birthmother K and we were holding our son's tiny fingers within moments of his delivery. K wanted us to be at the hospital while she labored and in the room when he was born. We met our son in the nursery and fell forever headlong into the biggest love of our lives. "Sunnyboy" got his name because seeing his face each day after that was like the sun rising in our hearts.

Asher's adoption became finalized by the State of New York this past May. We celebrated his special day calling is his "Adoption Day" as he received all of the rights and privileges as any biological child would. He's always been our son, but now legally his adoption became irreversible. "Asher" means "Happy & Blessed" and he is indeed a happy boy who is a blessing to all who meet him. We are forever grateful to K and to the many who helped him become our son. 

I'm love to post more about adoption in future entries regarding: Domestic vs. International, Open vs. Closed in domestic adoption, Bonding with Adopted Children, Raising a Son, and more. What questions do you have about adoption? I'd love to hear from you! You can follow us along here on the blog, on Facebook (Hannah Maddy Maxson), on Twitter (HannahMadMaxson), or on Instagram (ashersmamaowl). Hope you have a great weekend! See you next week!