Bumpy road

Life has been bumpy here lately it seems, frigid temps, cranky babies, frustrated mamas & daddys, lack of sun, personal disappointments, friends in great pain-- though all of that mixed with triumphs big & small along the way (conquering small battles like the social security office, traffic court with a toddler, a clogged shower, nitty gritty financial junk, and big ones like seeking employment after voluntarily resigning from a job to be a stay-at-home-mom). I'm a glass is half-full type of girl, but recently I've wanted to just smash the glass and throw whatever's in it to the wind. I hope you don't mind my candor. I'll try to keep the raw "choice" words that are on the tip of my tongue in check & leave it at that description.

I don't write often about my personal religious or spiritual viewpoints but in light of circumstances lately & mentioned above, I can't help but share with you where I find my own anchor & peace in the midst of these "bumps in the road". Right now they don't just feel like "bumps" but hurdles the size of mountains. I believe in a God that is higher than all of the stuff going on in my world and all around me and I have been flung, almost literally on the Word from Him over the past 3 or 4 days. I admit at times that I question whether He's real or what I read in the bible (the Word") is actually true for me still today, but I know this for sure, He hasn't let me down yet & I will keep seeking and praying that He won't. Below are some excerpts that have been especially comforting to me, maybe they will speak to you as well. Blessing to you all & I hope you have Someone you're able to cling to as well if you're on a "bumpy road" too. I wish the best for all of you.
Love & Peace,
Hannah

Psalm 62:5-8

"For God alone, Oh my Soul, wait in silence, for my Hope is from Him. 

He only in my Rock & my Salvation, my Fortress; 

I shall not be shaken."

Psalm 9:9-10

"The Lord is a Stronghold for the oppressed, 

a Stronghold in times of trouble.

And those who know Your Name put their trust in You,

for You oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You."

Luke 1:37

"For nothing will be impossible with God."

Psalm 4:8

"In peace will I both lie down & sleep;

for You alone, oh Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, 

what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body...

Is not life more than food, & the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow now reap, nor gather into barns, 

and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. 

Are you not of more value than the birds?

And who can add a single hour to their life by being anxious?..

therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Isaiah 40:28-31

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the Everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

His understanding is unsearchable.

He give power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength...

they that wait for the Lord will renew their strength;

they will mount up with wings like eagles;

they will run & not be weary;

they will walk & not grow faint."

Asher's Birthfather

He had only met Asher once.
They had mere hours to meet before it was time to say good-bye forever.
He gave Asher the life he could not provide himself.

I am speaking about Asher's birthfather, *Matt. We had a second visit with him this past December right before Christmas, and it was the second time in entire Asher's life that he met his birthfather. We maintain a private blog as part of our adoption agreement with Asher's birthfamily, and Matt sent us a message through the blog asking if it would be possible to schedule a visit with Asher. His message was brief, polite, and he even complimented a recent family portrait picture of us that I had posted. Despite this, my heart was instantly frozen with fear- "what did he 'really' want?", "was he just curious?", "we don't even know him at all", "what if he decides he wants to see Asher more than once a year?".

Asher's adoption is considered "semi-open", meaning that his birthfamily has limited information about us (I.e.: they don't know our last name, address, etc). As part of our adoption agreement with them we send letters & pictures 3 times a year (the private blog fulfills this) and there is the potential for a visit with Asher 2 times a year. This message from Matt was the first time he had reached out to us concerning a visit since Asher's birth.

I showed the message from Matt to my Hubby (Josh). He suggested that we agree to meet at a public location for the first meeting. We decided on a bookstore that Asher was familiar with to ensure he would feel comfortable and also have something to distract him if the visit became too awkward. When the date arrived, I was a bundle of raw emotion and nerves.

The 3 of us arrived way too early at the bookstore to wait for Matt to arrive and spent about a half hour (which felt like 4 hours) milling around trying to look inconspicuous (yeah right! I'm sure we were as conspicuous as the books on the shelves) as we peeked at each male that entered the store (If guys behind security camera had been watching, I'm sure they got a big laugh out of watching us). It had been an entire year since we'd last seen Matt, and I was wracking my brain trying to recall the exact details of his face. We only had a couple of blurry pictures of him & our jumbled memories from Asher's birth. My heart was pained as I remembered our last image of him before bringing Asher home from the hospital- Matt crouched over Asher's tiny body as he cradled him in his arms sitting next to Kayla (Asher's birthmom), tears in his eyes as he had only just met our tiny son for the first time and it was already time to say good-bye.

Matt was 15 minutes late and walked in with a pretty brunette lady behind him. "He brought a 'girlfriend'??!", I thought. He introduced her as Jamie, his sister (who was apparently visiting from New York City for Christmas) much to my embarrassment & relief for thinking badly of him. She brought along her little dog, and that immediately broke the ice because Asher loves dogs. We talked about what Asher had been up to lately, what he was learning. Matt's eyes gleamed with happiness to see Asher doing so well. He's a soft-spoken guy but he asked questions here & there and wanted to hear all about Asher's interests and adventures. Matt emailed us after our visit and told us that seeing him was the best Christmas gift he could have received. His words made me weep and meant the world to us. To know that Matt is content with the decision that he and Kayla made to place Asher with us is something that we treasure. It was truly a blessing to see the joy that it brought him to visit with Asher.

We maintain contact with Asher's birthfamily so that when Asher is old enough to understand his adoption he will hopefully already be familiar with his entire extended family. We pray that these visits will give him a sense of belonging and love at a very early age. I admit, I am torn at times with wanting to shelter him and selfishly keep him "all to myself" but also desiring for him to be confident in his roots and where he came from. When we first brought Asher home from the hospital and we were no longer seeing his birthmother Kayla on a regular basis (we spent 5 days in the hospital with her and her parents), I struggled a great deal with how much Asher looked like his birth parents physically (not that I expected him to look like us, but you know what I'm implying I think), and Josh used to always say "He looks like himself." Over time it bothered me less and less that Asher "looks like himself", and now I'm able to celebrate his physical features because I know someday when he asks, I can tell him, "My Sunny, you smile like Matt and you're beautiful like Kayla."

Photo by Mama (me) with my iPhone 4s

*Names have been changed in this post to protect privacy.

My Family's Secret Recipe for Caramel Corn

So, once it's on the internet it's no longer considered a "secret," I suppose, but I wanted to share with you all a recipe that is near & dear to my heart: My Grandpy's Caramel Corn. 

I use this recipe every year as part of our family tradition for some of our Christmas baking of treats. I don't claim it to be an easy recipe to make, it's time consuming & messy--which is probably why I only make it about once a year--but it's WORTH the efforts. Recently I made a batch as a thank-you for a babysitter of ours. The recipe was passed down to me from my mom's dad "Grandpy", who was a candy-maker extraordinaire. He shared his love of candies with his fellow troops & with children in Austria while he served as a 2nd Lieutenant with the U.S. Army during WW2 (pictured below). It brings me joy to share his love for sweet things and brings back happy childhood memories as I remember Grandpy always having a tray of his special homemade candies ready for us when we arrived to visit him in Ohio. In the years following his death my mom kept the traditions alive using his recipes. I truly hope you enjoy it!

Grandpy

You will need:

Ingredients

• 4-6 quarts of popped corn (The amount depends on how thick you're gonna want your caramel to coat; I make 4 and use the old fashioned stovetop method using olive or vegetable oil). 
• 1/2 cup butter (unsalted)
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup corn syrup
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 shallow baking pans (I use 2-  ungreased 9x13 glass casserole dishes)
• waxed paper
• 2 hours time

Pop corn.

Directions: 

Preheat oven to 250 degrees.

Pop corn & put into ungreased baking pans so that it's nearly a single layer in the pans. (I add a step here in insure no one breaks a tooth eating the delicious finished product & scan through the poppped corn in the pans pulling out any unpopped kernels, burnt and/or loose hulls.)

In a medium saucepan (I prefer a copper-bottomed one), combine the butter, brown sugar, corn syrup, and salt. 

Over medium-low heat (this will vary depending on your stovetop--mine is gas so I monitor the flame closely to avoid scorching), stirring frequently using a WOODEN spoon, bring ingredients to a boil. 

Combine 1st 4 ingredients, Bring to boil.

After you reach stage pictured above, don't stir for 5 minutes (be sure heat is turned down nice & low at this point). Don't get nervous! The mixture is going to begin entering the candy stage and get extra bubbly; it will also begin to change color to a darker caramel tan.

Remove from heat.

Stir in the baking soda & vanilla (get ready for a "nuclear" reaction! when the baking soda & vanilla hit the mixture it gets exciting!!).

Reaction

Return to low heat, continuing to frequently stir. The mixture will lighten in color (because of the addition of baking soda) and appear foamy/airy in texture. 

Foam

Continue to stir over low heat for about 5 more minutes. The mixture will darken slightly in color and continue to foam and rise up in the saucepan as it reaches higher temps. Remove from heat & turn off the stove top burner after the mixture has risen close to the top of the saucepan. 

Slowly (& carefully--it's HOT) pour the mixture over the prepared popcorn in pans.

Spread

Using a large spatula or spoon, stir popcorn gently to coat the majority of the popcorn with the prepared caramel (don't worry, you won't be able to cover it all completely at this point). Place pans in the preheated oven. Set a timer for 15 min & clean out your saucepan while you wait (if you don't, the caramel will harden as it cools in the pan and become much harder to clean later). 

Coat

15 minutes later, carefully remove pans from the oven and place on a heat resistant surface (I put hotpads on the counter and use that area because I spill popcorn when I stir). Stir popcorn with spatula or spoon (You'll notice that the caramel will cover more of the popcorn this time and be darker tan in color. Keep an eye out for any stray kernel & remove if necessary). Return to oven for another 15 minutes. 

First 15 min. stage

Repeat above instructions. Use the 15 minutes while it's baking however you like ;-)

Second 15 min. stage

Repeat above stage for a third time. Use the time to prepare your counter-top  table, or other desired space for cooling the popcorn onto waxed paper.

Third 15 min. stage

After this 3rd, 15 min., interval remove from oven, TASTE! (use caution, popcorn will be HOT). If it's "toasty" enough to your liking scoop out from pans onto the prepared waxed paper surface. If it's a little soggy & not quite toasty enough, return to oven for 5-10 more minutes. Turn oven off.

Soak pans immediately in warm soapy water (to avoid before-mentioned hard-to-clean caramelized pans). 

Finished stage & Cooling

Break caramel corn apart as it cools on waxed paper and spread it out to completely cool it. You may add nuts or other candies at this point if you'd like to make it more "crunch & munchy." We like ours just like it is, plain and savory :-) (I admit though, I like a piece of dark chocolate occasionally after a bowl of caramel corn).   

Finished Product

Tie it up with a bow, pour it into an airtight container, or eat it all at once from a bowl- however you eat it, ENJOY! :-) 

P.S.

The inexperienced-caramel-corn-maker Hubby tested the recipe & instructions today and was successful, but please feel free to ask questions or leave a comment if you have questions, etc. 

A Full Heart

* Photo credit to Nancy Noble Barnes 

So...I won't even begin to make excuses for how long it's been since I've written, but if I were to begin it would involve Holidays, Illnesses, Travel, all the normal Christmastime hurdles it seems for this past year. My heart & mind are full of potential topics to post about, and I'll begin with what was in my soul today and work my way backwards til we're caught up. Today, I was overwhelmed with a sense of how grateful I have been most recently for Asher's birthgrandma. Below is a letter I emailed to her as it poured out from my heart (names have been changed to protect privacy). 

Dear Jane,
I'm just sitting down to my cup of morning tea & breakfast while Asher naps, and I was overcome with how grateful I am for you in particular today. I had been emailing a few pictures earlier this morning to Rebekah at the adoption agency (she had asked recently how Asher was going & if we wanted to share any pictures). As I sent the one to her of all of us on the carousel from our recent visit with you, I felt so deeply how much I am thankful for you. We are grateful to God for everyone that was placed into our life as a result of Asher's adoption journey (including all of your family); but there are times when I'm overwhelmed with emotion to think of your love for Asher and for us.

I hope you know without a doubt what a phenomenal grandma, mother, and woman you are. I realized when we came home from the museum after our visit how in tune you are as a grandma to what your grandchildren need in particular. I know that must have been painful and difficult to cut our visit a little short for Asher's sake of needing to rest. That care for him did not go unnoticed. Josh & I were and still are deeply touched by the love you show in so many ways, the cookies so carefully made & packaged, the gifts so thoughtfully selected for Asher, the tender way you gave Silas (*Asher's biological half-brother) and Asher space & time to bond though your own body & heart must have been aching just to scoop Asher up in your arms and squeeze him.

I treasure the words we exchanged when we talked as Asher played. I wish too for Kayla (*Asher's birthmother, Jane's daughter) to be able to share in the joy we have with Asher, I know that's one of your heart's cries. I pray that God will heal her completely and I have hope that one day perhaps she can come. I'm also so glad that you were receptive to hearing about Matt (*Matt is Asher's birthfather) and his visit with Asher too. It was a blessing to us to be able to give him a visit with Asher and witness the joy that it brought to Matt to see him.

The Lord has been showing me comfort in His Word lately, especially from the book of Isaiah:
"He will tend His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."
You, Jane, are part of how God leads me gently, you bless us in so many ways without ever knowing. I don't if I am expressing myself very well, but suffice it to say, than I thank God for you. Thank you for being you.
Much love,
Hannah

One of the next posts I'd like to share will focus on the visit with Matt that I mentioned to Jane in the letter above. I'm still working through my thoughts from that. I hope you all are enjoying a happy & healthy New Year. What in particular are you grateful for today?

a little belated Christmas picture taken with my iPhone 4s

Windham Week

Whew! I've missed you guys! Hope you've all been well. We were away for the whole of last week on a family retreat. Some kind friends of ours own 2 cabins on Windham Mountain, and they were more than sweet to let us have our pick at no charge.

We headed up on Monday and stayed until Friday. We slept as much as we wanted enjoyed every meal together as a family gathered around the table, took full opportunity to use the jacuzzi, hot tub, & sauna, and enjoyed a hike. We even saw a Bald Eagle in the wild l! (Did NOT have the camera handy, but that memory will stay with me forever, I was so inspired & grateful).

I can't say it's been an easy adjustment getting back into the routine (lack of jacuzzi) back home but we are all very thankful for the time we had away from everything together. It's good to leave the hustle & bustle of life behind & go into "the wilderness". What do you do to get away?

Adventures of Sunnyboy: His Adoption Story

I had the very special opportunity to share Asher's adoption story with our friend "B" on Thursday.  It was such a huge honor to be able to share our adoption journey with her. She had several questions as she and her family consider adoption as way to grow their family. It was the first time since Asher's adoption that I've really had the time to sit and contemplate all that's happened in our family over the past year and with his adoption. I'd like to keep my blog entries brief, but this will probably be a longer one due to the nature of the topic ;-)

 B and her family had already reached a decision regarding the type of adoption they'd like to have (Domestic US Adoption vs. International Adoption). I'd love to write a post on that piece in more detail sometime soon, as that can often be one of the most confusing questions to answer at the outset of a family's adoption journey. "Domestic" simply means an adoption of a child from here in the U.S. as opposed to an adoption overseas.

We began the adoption process to bring Asher into our family in April 2010 after choosing Bethany Christian Services www.bethany.org. By the following June we had been selected by a total of 3 separate possible birthmothers. The first 2 were young single girls, one here in local Upstate NY and the other from NJ. I remember feeling heartbroken when neither of those 2 girls chose us to be their baby's adoptive parents. It was a very difficult place to be, wanting to be happy for the families who they chose but feeling sorry for us not being chosen. I knew in my heart there was a baby for us, we just didn't know who he was yet. 

On June 1, 2011 I received a call while I was at work from our agency social worker, Renee, that there was a birthfamily interested in our profile that they had seen at the agency. It certainly took a scarey but hopeful leap of faith when we met with that birthmother on June 14, 2011 and The Hubby and I left the meeting feeling unexpectedly at peace. Asher's birthmother "K" decided that she would chose us to be her baby son's parents, and we received the call from Renee at the agency with the happy news the following Monday. We were elated, to say the least! Our years of pain and prayers had been answered!

 On Wednesday, August 17, 2011 Asher Byron Maxson was brought into this world by his brave, strong birthmother K and we were holding our son's tiny fingers within moments of his delivery. K wanted us to be at the hospital while she labored and in the room when he was born. We met our son in the nursery and fell forever headlong into the biggest love of our lives. "Sunnyboy" got his name because seeing his face each day after that was like the sun rising in our hearts.

Asher's adoption became finalized by the State of New York this past May. We celebrated his special day calling is his "Adoption Day" as he received all of the rights and privileges as any biological child would. He's always been our son, but now legally his adoption became irreversible. "Asher" means "Happy & Blessed" and he is indeed a happy boy who is a blessing to all who meet him. We are forever grateful to K and to the many who helped him become our son. 

I'm love to post more about adoption in future entries regarding: Domestic vs. International, Open vs. Closed in domestic adoption, Bonding with Adopted Children, Raising a Son, and more. What questions do you have about adoption? I'd love to hear from you! You can follow us along here on the blog, on Facebook (Hannah Maddy Maxson), on Twitter (HannahMadMaxson), or on Instagram (ashersmamaowl). Hope you have a great weekend! See you next week!